Confessions of a girl who 'pretends'

 As a writer I feel like writing in first person is the most vulnerable thing a writer can do. I always write in third person so that people don't think that I write about me. This felt like something I needed to write as 'I'. So Here goes nothing: people know me as the tall girl with big eyes and long hair that I once had. They either think that I am confident or a bitch, both judged by the way I walk. Have received compliments almost to an extent that it feels like people don't actually mean it sometimes. BUT all this is just a facade. Seldom does anyone realise that there is a scared traumatised girl behind the mask pretending to be the strongest. All the trauma and endless pretending easily leads to insecurities. Being called beautiful isn't gonna stop you from comparing yourself to someone that the person you loved left you for. It makes you question your own worth. Though you know it in your heart that you did not deserve any of the shit that you went through, it isn't easy to come out of. It even made me feel insecure about my smile. I became so self conscious that I literally cannot smile and pose in front of camera. My friends have a really hard time clicking pictures of me.

 Then it struck me, why should I be the one that is losing the peace ? Why should I care about the people who stomped my heart time and again claiming to be honest? Why should I pay the price for something that's not my fault? God made me in his own image. Questioning my presence and I as a person is questioning God's creation itself. How dare! This is to all the people who were patient enough to read through the whole thing.. just because someone did not see your worth doesn't mean you are not valuable. It's their loss. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. No one can argue otherwise. Never let your feelings for someone affect the way you look at yourself. It's definitely not easy but necessary. Our God would not want his child thinking lowly about themselves when in fact they are the best!! 

This was definitely not an easy confession to make but felt like someone needed to hear this and I felt the push to put it out there. Proud of myself for taking a step in the right direction even though it is difficult, hurts and entirely out of my comfort zone. 

Trust in the Lord is all that's left and needed.

This is something I wrote a while ago and it needed to be out here.